After my Father died I went through a cycle of depression and anger. I wasn’t angry at God or even what had happened, I was just angry in general. My first internal reaction to most interactions was negative. I held on to uncharitable thoughts and petty grudges for no reasons. I knew this was a stage of grief but that didn’t really motivate me to try to be better. I kept to myself and held these feelings tightly.
One evening a few weeks ago, as I was filled with unkind thoughts, a verse came very clearly unbidden into my head from the King James Bible that I’d read as a child.
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.
Psalm 19:14
I immediately had the sense that God was gently telling me, “Okay, that’s enough now.” That it had been okay to be ill tempered for a season but that now I needed to move forward. After that I caught myself falling back into it and needed to repeat the verse again and again until, finally, it settled in me.
It was a turning point for me. The grief is still there – a solid core deep in me – but I think I’m finally through the depression and anger.