Throughout my life I have been deeply blessed by people and experiences which poured into me.  By the time I started what I consider to be my first “real” job post-college at Peaceful Living, I was brimming full and poured out joy and energy, knowledge and passion, upon my work and the individuals with disabilities I was serving.  I felt so alive and I loved every moment of it. 

When I became a mother, it took about 9 months of pregnancy (plus full time work and full time school), then about 18 months of school, sleepless nights and the on-callness of parenting to run my well dry.  I felt as though I was pouring from an empty cup in all areas of my life.  A friend of mine who is an extreme introvert has a practice of building personal capacity through planning interactions.  This person will anticipate the need to be very social by taking as much time along as possible before a social situation.  Then they plan to take time off after intense social situations.  Their self-care skills allow them to build up a reserve of strength and capacity in order to do tiring activities.  I began trying to cultivate similar habits as I coped with my empty-cup syndrome, and through better planning and structured times of grace with myself, I found my cup not so empty.

Here in Cambodia, we have had so many minor and medium situations occur with the house, our health and our work.  I made a list one day in October and in our first 2 months we had 8 house situations (broken door, leaking ceiling, etc), 10 urgent work situations (hiring, health concerns, etc) and 7 health issues (Charlotte foot, Dengue, etc).  I find that my habit of building my capacity before situations is no longer effective because each day living in Cambodia takes whatever strength and energy I have mustered.  I fall into bed each night exhausted, praying the girls will sleep the night through. 

And yet, God provides me with renewed strength and energy each and every morning.  I feel as an Israelite in the desert, waking to receive manna.  I can’t store it up for later or hoard it for an extra portion because at the end of each day, it’s gone.  All of it, no matter how strong, energized or joyful I feel, by day’s end I am so tired.  But every morning there is new, fresh spiritual bread for me.  I find my exhaustion melted away and joy waiting at my waking. 

Jesus taught us to pray for our daily bread.  Jesus provides daily.  I don’t need to plan or store up, and in fact those sorts of behaviors don’t work here.  Here in Cambodia, I am more dependent on the grace of God than I’ve ever been.  Here, I live by faith that my daily bread will be provided.